Think Different, Act Different, Be Different

I am moving!

2008-08-03T03:41:00.000-07:00

Well, after one year in Qatar with my husband, and having two of my older kids working and keeping house in Singapore and looking after their grandmother, while the youngest is studying in the States, my idea of a 'normal' family life certainly became out of the ordinary!
We had to find a suitable time for all 5 of us to skype, to communicate and connect with the happenings in everyone's life.

I may sound like I'm complaining....but actually, because of our separation, we realise the importance of FAMILY and family doing something together!
So on our last annual family vacation, we decided as a family that we would start a new website : familyuni.com

It's not a prideful project --- we just thought that because each one of us has a passion, a peculiar interest and a particular gem, it would be a waste if we all kept it to ourselves. So we would like to share with others our experiences so that the next generation will do better than us!
People go to university to learn a skill for their professional life. Why don't we have a Family University to teach and impart knowledge, inspiration and encouragement for family life ?

So......my husband who has been in the financial world for the past 32 years, will write about finances and career development; I will cheer you on in your marriage and motherhood; my eldest son who owns and runs his own personal gym will impart his convictions about health and nutrition; my daughter who loves her work in a psychiatric hospital will write with great compassion on emotional health topics; and my youngest son who simply enjoys studying will share tips on learning that have helped him be an 'A' student. (I know that'll catch your attention!!!!)

If you would like to come along with us in building a fun and fulfilling family life, do check us out
at:

www.familyuni.com

Writing this blog : magnificentmom.com has been a wonderful experience for me, but magnificentmom is moving on to build the family university! Hope to find you there!

Ironies of Life

2008-01-23T09:01:00.000-08:00

I've just passed my birthday.....kind of quietly with no cake, candles nor champagne. Don't worry ---- I'm not having a pity party either. Just reflecting on life. And how ironical it is!

My son asked what my thoughts were as I turned 53.

Hmmm......

Actually, as I looked back, I thought: "Gee, I'm old!"
When I was a student and my teacher was 52, I could not imagine myself to be that age.....ever!

But as I look forward, I'm thinking : "Wow, I've got 70 years more!"
( Oh yes, I'm gonna live to 120.) And I feel excited about the new things I'm doing now ---- writing for a website, teaching a group of China nationals who speak limited English while I speak nil Mandarin, and living simply, ie. living a less cluttered life. And I feel a fresh burst of energy!

Isn't it ironical that I tell people to celebrate life, events, occasions ---- "Go on, have a cornetto when your first baby tooth drops off" ---- and yet it's so good to just sit quietly and listen to my inner voice on my birthday?
I looked around me.
Sure, it was a dream to have a bigger house with more room and space for the kids back home, yet it's actually great to have a one bedroom apartment now, and have only what's essential, not aesthetic, surrounding me.

It's also ironical that I've been a healthy horse (at least over the past 12 years) , and two weeks ago in this foreign land, I was so sick, I laid in bed, curled up in excruciating pain while my husband fulfilled his marriage vows and looked after me "for better, for worse; in sickness and in health"!

And of course, it's ironical that in this Arab-speaking land, I'm thinking I should learn Mandarin!

Guess that's life.....

2008 Year of Grace

2008-01-14T22:46:00.000-08:00

At the beginning of every new year, I make it a point to "name my year". It's not a new year resolution ---- rather, it's a focus for the year. So....2008 for me is THE YEAR OF GRACE.

Even before I could take a breath, trials and testings, people and situations tumbled quickly before me so I could 'practise' grace! It's unbelievable.

Anyway.....since my mouth had declared what my heart had decided, now my actions have to follow, right?

So....to the one who wearied me last year with her complaints and discontent from A-Z, I spent an hour and a half with her last week, without feeling impatient.
To another who seems ungrateful and undeserving of any goodness, I gave a gift that I would have liked to keep for myself, without feeling resentful.
To the one whom I recently discovered had betrayed my trust, I have forgiven and deleted the scores of wrongs.

Considering we're only 2 weeks into 2008, I know I'm no angel with a halo above my head.

It's not easy to cheer people on instead of condemning them, to focus on solutions not problems, to allow people to fail and fall short of my expectations.
It's grace when I focus on other's needs, not mine.
It's grace when I don't argue about what's fair or unfair.
It's grace when I look out for opportunities to do what's good and kind and thoughtful.

Ahhh......I can see the 50 weeks ahead of me will be challenging for me as I fight my SELF .

HELP! I need grace myself!!!

Family retreat

2008-01-02T05:45:00.000-08:00

Our annual family holiday in December 2007 was different ---- special ---- because we've all been away from each other towards the latter half of the year (2 in Singapore, 2 in Middle East, 1 in USA

So it was not only a family reunion, but a family retreat .....away from the busyness of activities and attention-seeking people, away from the normal attractions of internet, TV and even friends.

We went to Egypt.

If you ask the kids, the one word to describe the trip is awesome!

It was a time to bring to life whatever we had learned in our history classes about the ancient civilization. And to realise what we imagined in theory might not be true in reality. Eg it was people who loved the king and dedicated their life to building the pyramid for him. They were not slaves who dutifully built the 108 (the number changes with different tour guides!) pyramids!

We even bought a 'family tree' papyrus design with our family names written in hieroglyphics. I had always thought it was a picture language good for then, not now!

And to sail down the Nile River was a .....wow!

In Cairo, I thought it would be nice for the kids to experience some of the Egyptian culture---- we all smoked the "shisha" (water-pipe). We may not look professional, but at least we tried to enjoy what is their 'national pastime'!

We were hassled by people selling their goods. But even that was interesting because they were on shore throwing the goods on to the deck of the ship and when the deal was made, we threw the money back to the shore!

And the experience of travelling on the roads was frightening but incredible. Drivers sound their horns constantly, they don't follow any road lanes and they drive so close to each other that no one takes offence when a car hits the side mirror of another vehicle. Can you imagine that? Now being back in Qatar makes the speeding drivers here seem very civilized ---- at least Qataris keep to their lanes!

But what touched me most was the friendliness of the young girls and boys. Perhaps a Chinese face is alien to them? They would come up and smile or shake our hands in the shopping places and even along the roads. In fact once when our driver was horning this young lad for being in his way, the lad looked angry but when he saw us, he broke into a cheery smile!

Well....while I look at the pictures we took in Egypt, what was most memorable was that as a family, we had time to laugh, to talk, to dream together for 2008. We had a retreat and now we advance into the new year .....re-filled, re-freshed, re-fired!

Tower of Babel

2007-12-14T06:14:00.000-08:00

Qatar is such a wonderful place to meet foreigners!

With a population of about 900 000, only one quarter of it are Qataris. In short, i have made friends with more of the people from the East (like the Philippines, China, India ) and the other Arab countries (like Syria, Bahrain, Egypt ) than the locals here.

The good news is ---- most people speak English, although with varying accents.
However, in recent weeks, I've bumped into more Arab-speaking only women!

Now I understand what it was like when the folks at the Tower of Babel spoke different languages and could not understand each other sufficiently to carry out a project. It must have been frustrating. But in my case, it's hilarious!

Project in mind: Haircut at Beauty saloon

After almost 16 weeks here, i thought it's time to look for a hairdresser and enjoy the luxury of a haircut (in Singapore, I usually get to the salon every 6 weeks!). My tai-tai friends here pay about S$300/- for just a cut. I don't feel I'm in the same league. So when i befriended this Arab speaking lady, Aida, I ventured to get my goal accomplished before christmas through her contact. ("Wasta" or connection is very important here!)

We have been laughing our way through our chicken-and-duck friendship.
We make gestures with our hands, act out our explanations, show pictures, use the very limited edition of my English-Arabic booklet.........hug each other, give each other the Arabic kiss (you know ---- hug left, hug right and make the kissing sound in the air!!!) and we have found a friendship that goes beyond the boundaries of language, culture and religion.

All good .......even though I thought she had young kids when she talked about her "babies". In fact, they're in their teens!
I thought the elderly man in her apartment was her "dad", and discovered he's just a friend.
And i thought she was taking me to the hairdresser yesterday at 5 pm.....or today at 4 pm.......But it seems it's going to be tomorrow!!!

Ah so........"Inshallah"......God willing!

Who's welcome?

2007-10-28T04:24:00.000-07:00

So many friends have asked me about coming over to Qatar.

I'm not sure if they're actually interested to visit me ( which means they care for me and wonder if all is well with me in this foreign land?....ahhh... my big ego!!!) or are they the typical tourist who's just wanting to "shop till you drop" and "eat till you're sick" and take photos to brag about their holiday?

Honestly, I'm not keen on either type of guest.

Firstly, I'm not looking for comfort or consolation ---- I'm excited about carving out a new life here and, at this point, I don't think many people understand my thoughts and dreams for my stay here.

Also, Qatar is not a touristy place.

Their zoo, singing sand dunes, beaches, etc are well advertised in handbooks. But when you get lost, people never tell you which road will lead you to your destination ---- they tell you how to get there by the number of roundabouts and landmarks!

Anyway, I have yet to see a tourist coach.

Moreover, souvenirs which reflect the Middle Eastern flavor ---- the Aladdin lamp, the treasure chest, the colourful fabrics and jewellery, etc ---- are made in Turkey, India, Thailand, China....everywhere else except Qatar! And if you are no sheikh, why would you want to buy Escada, Moschino, MaxMara here if branded goods are cheaper back home?

So having said that..... Qatar is a place to eat different foods and produce from Lebanon, Jordan, Kuwait, India......At the supermarket, they hang the Australian lamb, the New Zealand lamb and the thinner Syrian lamb. Have a pick!

Qatar is a place to experience fast and impatient drivers, 4-wheel drivers who go on to the pedestrian kerbs to avoid traffic jams. And yet it's a safe place to walk alone at night.There are no beggars ---- just poorly paid foreigners who work hard to make a living.

It's where the locals are friendly enough yet even when you are first in the queue, remember they are the 'king of the land'. Move over!

BUT if you want to eat saccharine sweet Arabic sweets and experience a natural facial sand exfoliant when there's a storm in the desert, if you want to see life behind the veil (hey....I think it was a man in the black abbaya in the carpark recently!), if you want to know how it feels to be treated unequally, if you want to open your eyes to this part of the world AND if you are not going to compare and complain about things, then YOU ARE WELCOME!!!

Year of Independence

2007-10-09T09:35:00.000-07:00

It's a strange thought --- August 2007 marks the beginning of the Year of Independence for me from my kids.

I know : we often think of kids growing up and it has always been them wanting to be independent from us parents ---- right from the age of the 'terrible two' through the 'rebellious adolescent' to them choosing to go flatting with friends instead of living under one roof with their parents and siblings.

Like most mums, I often wondered if my primary purpose in life is to provide services similar to the hotel with a 24-hour cafetaria and chauffeur thrown in.
So when my youngest started his freshman year in the States in August......and the two older ones were left to handle a new job and a new business plus the groceries, cooking, cleaning, laundry, car maintenance, paying of bills......while my husband and I packed up to go to the Middle East for a couple of years ----- I felt kind of guilty.

Was I irresponsible as a mum?
Should I fly to and fro every couple of months to check on things??
Was I losing my purpose in life???

Well, I have to admit --- I didn't lose too much time nor energy mulling over my guilt.

After 5 weeks of independence from my kids, I realise that this is a wonderful time to test my parenting!

My youngest recently spent US$300/- for motorbike lessons. He passed with flying colours, extremely satisfied to have done this manly thing, while unashamedly admitting it's very dangerous and probably will never ride a motorbike in Singapore.
--- ah....my wise son!

My daughter decided to buy more clothes because she was not able to keep up with the washing and ironing.
--- well, that's one way to get around the situation!

My eldest has been cooking his own low carbo, high protein meals and proudly proclaims he's leaner than when I was the cook.
--- so what can I say eh?

I know these kids will not only survive without me ---- they will learn even more about cost, consequences and challenges in life that they may not when they have me around!

Expats, what do you expect?

2007-09-18T01:18:00.000-07:00

Ramadan Kareem!

It's no longer "Good morning" or "Hello", but "Ramadan Kareem".

Yes, the Muslim Fasting month has begun and that's how we greet people we meet --- no matter if they are of the same faith or not. This is quite acceptable.

Work hours are now from 9am - 1 pm. Anyone complaining?Huh??

All eating places are closed until they break fast in the evening.

And even if you are not fasting, you are not to eat or drink in the presence of someone who is.

Ahhhh......this requires some sensitivity, self consciousness and a good memory ( you can't just pick a grape from the supermarket to test for sweetness any time of the day; you can't drink your bottled water even if you're dry in the throat from doing a presentation )

Suddenly your life is not your own! It is inconvenient.

As I continue to enjoy the challenges of being in this foreign land, I've also met many of my countrymen here --- expats! They are a different breed with a different attitude and mindset. I just want to be careful not to be like 'one of them'.

Firstly, they complain a lot!

"People here are so slow....so inefficient.....so irresponsible ---- they say 'yes' but never do what they promise."

Are we so used to the instant answer, the fast pace, the high productivity required of us back home that we have grown impatient and frustrated in the face of a stress-less life?

Secondly, they pine for home!

Sure, I understand that we miss our loved ones, our favorite foods, our familiar activities. But hey! What made us choose the 'new' in exchange for the life we have grown up with? It was not only because it was an offer not to be missed --- it was a curiosity to see what another part of the world is like and how other people live and work and enjoy their rest! We wanted to taste their food, shop for their authentic stiff, drive with no thought about petrol price, live in desert conditions .....

So, what are we doing looking for the chicken rice chilli, the roast pork, the dried scallops, etc. at the supermart here?

Let's appreciate the Lebanese bread, the Arabian dates, the Indian veal ......

Let's appreciate the local architecture, their changeable rules, their desire for progress......

Thirdly, expats have forgotten that they are here to offer themselves --- their skill, their expertise, their relationship, their committment to contribute to this new land. They should not be here just to see how much they can get out of the country (after all, they are already getting a better salary than back home, or else they wouldn't be here!) They should be engaged with the people, the happenings, the culture. It's not good to look at their life here as 'temporary'. Their life here is to be lived as permanent as if they have no where else to move to.

Expats have to embrace the place and establish themselves with the people.

That's what I think expats should expect of themselves.

At least that's what I expect of ME!!!

Going Away ....Living Away

2007-09-11T02:47:00.001-07:00

Ahhh....for more than 2 months, after all that "give-away", I had to get on with the physical, emotional and psychological upheaval of "going away". It amazed me....and amused me.... to see the different reactions of people.

My only surviving aunt rebuked me: "How can you be so heartless to leave your kids behind and just go with your husband?"

My childhood friends cautioned me: "Hey, you'd better be careful. They are of a different religion."

My visionary friends spurred me on: "That's great! It's very encouraging to know that you and your husband at this semi-retirement age are willing to make this move to re-locate."

Anyway, here I am in Qatar.
And loving it!!!

People complain about the slowness ---- I think it's stressless.
Foreigners are frustrated with the lack of responsibility in fulfilling promises (eg. appointments made are broken without any apology) --- I think it's heaven's way of teaching us earthlings to be patient and know eventually it'll get done!It won't kill us to have the kitchen cabinet installed 2 months later, or have Cable TV fixed 4 days after schedule ....or have the taxi come to our doorstep 2 hours after we have called for one.

Their well-known word: "Ishallah --- God willing" determines every situation. It's good they believe in the sovereignty of God and that all things are in His hands! It's also worthwhile to note that the Qataris are such hospitable people --- they want to say "yes" to all your requests and even if it's actually a "no" from the start, they are covered by the unwillingness of God!!!

Perhaps we are used to living by the clock, by countless activities that fill our day, by numbers and statistics that show our fruitfulness and usefulness.

But here I am, experiencing TIME like never before. There's time now to spend on people, on leisure, on rest and reflection. Some people may be bored and lonely, but I am discovering my private self and my husband of 30 years in this desert land.

Inshallah --- we'll be here for a while.

Going Away ....Living Away

2007-09-11T02:47:00.000-07:00

Garage Give-away!

2007-07-01T21:41:00.000-07:00

It was not a GARAGE SALE but a GARAGE GIVEAWAY!
Some could not believe they could just walk away with things for FREE!
Some thought I was silly ---- I could make some money from the clothes, the electrical goods, the kitchenware, the beddings, the toys, the books, the accessories.....They asked if I was a 'foreigner' because this idea was alien to them.

Well, my kids had thought this was a way to get to know our neigbours. But to me, it was my way to thank the foreigners, especially those who are serving us with their hard work ---- work that we ourselves don't want to do, but they are here to do it for us.

So.....mission accomplished:
We got to talking to the neighbours a lot more than ever before; the Chinese nationals, the Indian workers, the Indonesian and Filipino maids came.
Moreover, it was a family affair and my kids got their muscles strengthened and conditioned without even going to the gym!

YAY!

Making Money or Making Memories

2007-05-26T00:32:00.000-07:00

I'm in the process of moving on to a new country, to a new way of life, to a new dream.

I'm leaving the kids behind (to dream their own dreams) --- and having a lot of stuff to get rid off! Things collected over the years, books that are yellow with age, momentoes that don't mean much any more, clothes that fit the museum more than my frame. It's unbelievable!

My motto, passed down the generations from grandparents who suffered and sacrificed to survive and support their families, has always been: Do not waste.

Yet I have wasted much! Ahh....

The oversized blouse that's been in the wardrobe, not worn, could have been given to the elderly rag-and-bone lady scrounging around for cardboard boxes every day.
The stack of old National Geographic magazines could have been given to students doing their school projects.
The collection of electrical goods that don't work so well could have been given to some company that repairs and recycles the parts.

So here's my redemptive plan!

I will have a GARAGE GIVE-AWAY instead of a GARAGE SALE.
People can come and take away the things I'm getting rid off.
I will not be making money, but making memories of my moving on!

Canning this generation

2007-05-22T00:20:00.000-07:00

I just saw these two new canned drinks being advertised :

Anything and Whatever

My, my....is this a reflection of this generation?
Because they can't decide on what they want, ANYTHING will do --- the advertisement promises a surprise in every can.
Because they will not choose, WHATEVER flavor is found in the can becomes their choice.

I know it really bugs me when I ask my kids: "Would you like this or that?" And their answer comes swiftly...."Anything!"
It may sound like they are easy to please. Yet it implies a lack of concern or a cop-out ---- in case the consequence of their choice is regrettable, they can blame me!

OR if I propose some activity or plan to my kids, and they express no preference and say: "Whatever!", I consider it a rude response. I may sound like a stick-in-the-mud, but the attitude and tone behind this word is indifference --- they are not going to take responsibility for it.

Is this the message on these cans?
Do the young people nowadays prefer to make no decision rather than a poor choice and learn from the consequence of it?
Perhaps parents have taken away their ability to make decisions. Parents have been bailing kids out, nagging them to pursue perfection, and putting fear (of making wrong moves, etc) into them, instead of assuring their kids that it's better to make a decision --- good or bad --- rather than no decision!

So I say: What happened to drinks like 7UP, 100plus, Sprite, Pepsi?
Theirs is a message of positive thinking, forward looking and zealous hope.
Anything and Whatever is a message of emptiness, care-lessness, helplessness.

Bring Your Own Bag

2007-04-22T03:21:00.000-07:00

It was announced last week that on the first wednesday of each month, supermarts were not going to provide plastic bags for your groceries. In fact, they were going to charge 10 cents per plastic bag if you need one. Otherwise, you are encouraged to buy a non-disposable bag at $1 or bring your own carrier.

I was amused and amazed at the different responses people had towards creating a 'greener' society. Some heralded this idea; others pooh-poohed this move.....But....oh look at that guy who decided to carry his groceries by folding up his T-shirt in front! I guess he was not buying a week's consumption for his family!!!

However, I'm thinking this whole campaign to get people to care for the environment should have a positive flavor rather than a negative one.

Why do we 'punish' people who want plastic bags by making them pay for it?
People love to rebel. They will find a way out. Die die they will remember not to shop on Wednesdays!

Why don't we reward instead those who bring their own bags by giving them points or discounts or rebates?
People love to receive something .....anything....for whatever they do. And they will remember to bring their own bag to the supermart!

While the young are teachable and impressionable, they will understand the good, the beautiful, the long-term effects in creating the green environment.
We just need to encourage the older folks who are fixed in their ways, to go beyond their convenience ("ah....the plastic bag is so handy for throwing rubbish!") and complacency (" ah....I'm not going to outlive the earth!") .

As for me, I'd like to think green...
I'm not obsessed about it... but I'll get used to it and probably grow to like it!!!

Community spirit

2007-04-06T21:10:00.000-07:00

Last evening I was taking a stroll at the East Coast Park. I'm not making a racist statement......but I noticed a distinct absence of the Chinese people there!

Of course there were the odd groups of Chinese at the BBQ pits, the few couples walking the dog, jogging or roller-blading.

But the Malays and the Indians were camping, playing ball games, laughing together ---- there was such a healthy community spirit! They know how to relax, play, live ---- take time, make time for their inter-generational family and friends.

Where were the Chinese folks?

In their homes watching TV?... in the tuition centers??...in the shopping malls???...at the gymn????......basically, doing their own thing. Sigh!

Grown but not gone!

2007-04-01T22:01:00.000-07:00

Yeah....my kids are all grown but they're not gone from my life!

It's just that we've outgrown the daily bedtime stories --- now we tell real-life stories of people we meet every day. The kind, the demanding, the sensitive, the annoying, the ones who melt your heart and those whom you'd like to hang upside down!

We've outgrown the children's playground ---- now we all go to the gymn and do our workout (at varying speed of course!).

We've outgrown the kiddy meals and fast foods ---- now we eat low carbs, low salt, low sugar and chunks of meat.

Indeed, times and things and 'turns' have changed.

The kids used to listen and believe whatever I said. It's my turn now to listen to their vast knowledge and instructions about the computer, the latest acronyms, the newest health discoveries.
I used to dream of the day when I can be in a 'retirement mode'. But now they tell me "money isn't everything".

It's ok ----really. Because I am very glad that my grown up kids (27, 24, 21) love to come home, they enjoy lying on my bed to share their day's happenings, they tell me off for my bad habits (hmmm.....like poor posture), they advise me on handling disturbing situations, they laugh with me and at me too!
No worries ---- I 'm secure.

And they are secure, too.

We are family....forever.

Mothers for life!

2007-03-21T21:16:00.000-07:00

My friend was sobbing uncontrollably. She kept repeating: "I cannot take it any more!"

She's a single mum, struggling to keep the facade of family life, yet knowing she has lost control over her wayward son.
He has not been home for more than a year and she has no idea where he spends his days and nights.
He has had several encounters with the police, the courts, the ministry of defence.
But the amazing thing is.......he has found a way of escape from all figures of 'authority'!

Does a mother's love end here?

My friend lives in fear of the authorities knocking at her door.
She is in a dilemma ---- if they get hold of him, at least she knows where to find him. But if they punish and interrogate him mercilessly, her heart will break.

She decides on a third option: wash her hands off him!

What does it mean?

Does it mean she doesn't care about him, about what happens to him, about what will become of him? Is she removing herself from the parental responsibility as a solution to her immediate inability to handle the situation?

I need to talk sense to her.

I want to tell her that mothers are mothers for life!

It is an unconditional position we hold ---- we don't let go of our role and responsibility because our kid is an adult now, or he's been rebellious and naughty, or if he's a 'failure' in life, or a burden and a shame to us.
No matter what, our kid must know that we will stand by him ---- not that we condone what he's doing, not that we excuse his wrong actions, but we will never reject him as a person.
We provide a 'covering' for our kid ---- emotional, spiritual, even if we can't provide a physical covering.

Our kid is born out of our own body and blood.
We can harden our heart but we cannot simply wash him out of our hands!

The Power of a Word

2007-03-21T20:39:00.000-07:00

I had thought about it before.....but I was reminded recently, how powerful A WORD can be!

I have many depressive, lacking self-confidence, poor self-image friends. And the more I hang out with them, the more discouraged I feel. Of course I cannot blame them for my disposition, but as I listened to the words that were often spewed out of their mouths, I have now decided not to repeat them......except this last time here in my blog!!!

Words like: "I do not have"......"I have only"....."a little"....."I cannot"....."I'm not able to"....."I don't know how to"......"I'm not sure"......"I'm afraid"......"I will die"......

For sure these words generate power-less, hope-less, life-lessness.

So now, every morning when I wake up, I GIVE A NAME TO MY DAY !

Monday was a Day of Thankfulness.
Tuesday was a Day of Confidence.
Wednesday was a Day of Enthusiasm.
Today is a Day of Peace.
Tomorrow will be a Day of ......

What a vision!

2007-03-13T20:23:00.000-07:00

I was at Bright Vision Hospital yesterday.

To be quite honest, I wasn't sure what to expect ---- a friend was living out her last days, hours...in the serenity and stillness of the ward named PEACE. How appropriate!

But more than that, I was touched by the help and support the staff gave to the 'to-be' grieving family.

The nurses who were walking in and out, dutifully and beautifully doing the necessary procedures, continually encouraged me to pray for my friend. There was no prejudice nor inclination to any particular religion ---- just pray!

There was a 'Pastoral Care Staff" at hand, explaining many times over the anticipated event and the things that needed to be done thereafter.
(Hey.....and I had always thought the word 'pastor' belongs only to those who wear a 'dog collar' and wear an invisible halo over their head!)

The undertaker was contacted and he turned up to prepare the family for the situation.
Of course, we can be cynical and conclude it's all in the name of business or job requirements that these folks perform their tasks.

But I know, I don't want to do their job!!!

They have a heart that is different from mine.
They have a sincere compassion for those who need palliative care.
They have a genuine concern for the grieving and the dying.

I truly honor them.

Charity needs Clarity

2007-02-26T19:21:00.000-08:00

This week I was totally disturbed by a "charitable" drive to feed the malnourished children in Indonesia.

Now, don't get me wrong --- I'm all for charity (as I think people generally are.) When there's a needy child, a destitute woman, a blood donation drive, a touching story that appears in the press, etc, the public often responds promptly and generously. That's great!

However, a couple of days ago, I was appoached to buy a packet of nutritious grain or meal at $35. A few weeks ago,my husband was asked to donate $35 so that the Company that's supporting this project will send the packet to Indonesia.

Hmmm...

For one thing, would Indonesian kids appreciate and consume this 'meal' that is alien to their tastebuds? Wouldn't a sack of rice (granted, not as nutritious) be more culturally welcoming?

When my husband went into the Internet to check out this product, he discovered that the Company typically earns 10% of the proceeds from the sale of the product AND the distributor who's selling it gets an average of 42% in commission.
Is it ethical to make money (in the name of charity) from the misfortune of our neighbours?

We can call things by whatever name suits our purpose. But let us not deceive ourselves ....and others.

If it was presented to me, upfront, about the cost, the commission, and that for every 25 packages sold, the Company will contribute one package to the children....I will not be so appalled by the truth.

To be told that this project is a beautiful act of charity and compassion---- to feed the starving and the malnourished ---- oh......I just cannot stomach it!

Win or Lose?

2007-02-25T19:31:00.000-08:00

Last week, my two sons came home from a very crucial basketball match --- they had lost by such a close margin, it was almost unbelievable!

Of course they were sorely disappointed, but their momentary depression lifted off as they reflected on their team, their game, their strategy, their strengths, their weaknesses.....and now, their determination to be better for the next season.

That's the way to go, boys! I'm proud of you!

Well, I'm no Sportswoman. I'm a Sportswatcher.
While my sons play and coach basketball, I watch basketball on TV!
In fact, I was watching a replay last week of Michael Jordan's heyday --- he'd won the MVP (Most Valuable Player) Award, even though he was the most important player on the team as well.

Of course I love to be a winner.Who doesn't?
But I think, win or lose, there's something more to life than getting the glory and winning the trophy (that will probably be found in the trash bin 40 years from now!!! Sorry to say it, but it's true!)

I fully acknowledge the need to go through the grieving process ---- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance of the loss.
Then there is a need to look at what was achieved during the training and preparation for the games ---- the relationships, the team spirit, the oneness, the encouragement, the altruistic (unselfish concern for others) values that impact the players. Above all, there is a need to learn from the experience of not getting what you expect always ---- this is real life!

During the game, play hard. Do your utmost best. Put the fire in your soul with the baskets (goals) in mind.
After the game, win or lose, celebrate. Put the smile on your face and in your stride because this is what precious moments and lifelong memory is made of!

Live Simply

2007-02-13T06:03:00.000-08:00

As the Lunar New Year's hustle and bustle loom before me, I wonder:
What's wrong with me?

I feel no excitement over this lengthy 15-day celebration when one day suffice for me to greet the new year.

I feel it's a dread to walk among the crowd jostling for the best buys and the goodies that make you want to rush to the gym 3 days after consumption.

I feel a weariness come over me, just thinking of the menu for the Reunion Dinner, while my husband waits in line at the bank for new dollar notes.

So....what's all the fuss about the Year of the Pig?

I'm all for simple living!

1. I don't need to pig-out. And I will not spend too much on food (eg. pay $74/- for 2
pieces of abalone).
Why would I spend on what goes in that will come out eventually?
2. I don't need a new dress.
But if I do get a new outfit, I must take or give away something from my wardrobe.
3. I don't need to specially clean the house for the new year.
Isn't my weekly scrubbing and mopping sufficient?

However, I just need to visit a couple of elderly relatives, and make them feel respected and remembered --- even if it's once a year.
And I just need a couple of days to rest before I get swallowed up by the rest of the year!

Hospitality or Entertaining?

2007-02-06T01:13:00.000-08:00

I have been having people over for a meal every now and again.
And I thought: Why do I sometimes think --- Ah....what a hassle! All the cooking and cleaning that comes with the company.

Sometimes, I feel obliged to invite folks over because they had invited me the last time!

However, in my saintly moments, I think ---- Oh, why should I bother what people say about my food, my house, my mess, my unmatching plates and cutlery? I invited them because I wanted to get to know them better..... I just wanted to give this busy mum a break from cooking......I simply thought this foreigner would love to have a 'family meal' away from home!

Anyway, I realise too, that people don't care what design is on my crockery, that my carpet is stained, my dining chair is wobbly and my food lacks salt.
BUT they often remember the conversation, the care, the counsel, the hospitality shown.

So....what's the difference between hospitality and entertaining?

Simply put: HOSPITALITY is people-centered;
ENTERTAINING is impression-centered.

The maxim that has helped me thus far is:

Treat friends as family; treat family as friends !

Conclude with Authority

2007-01-31T23:26:00.000-08:00

While I was clearing my workroom today, I picked a jotter book that I had started to write 7 years ago in my personal scrawl, entitled: CONCLUSIONS AUTHORISED TO MAKE AFTER YOU TURN 45.

I guess when I was under 45, nobody listened much to what I said because I did not have sufficient experiences in life, and presumably, I lacked the wisdom of someone with white hair. Anyway, I turned the pages and here are some thoughts .....

People who ask: "What do you think?" are not wanting your opinion, but your confirmation for what they have already decided to say or do.

You cannot discipline or punish a child if you have not taught or trained him (i.e repeated the teaching point) in the way he should go.

People who say they are "busy" are probably disorganised rather than gainfully occupied with activities and lives around them.

Why Work?

2007-01-30T23:31:00.000-08:00

I'm possessed by the thought that so many people look forward to retirement.....plan for their annual leave .....live for the weekend ( Hey....do you ever ask : What did you do on your Tuesday??? ---- but I'm sure you often ask : What did you do over the weekend? !)

I've also seen cases when people have been told their life will be shortened by a terminal illness. What's their first reaction? Quit their job!

And of course, it has often been said that on the lips of dying men and women, their one regret in life is that they had spent so much of their lives at work when they should have spent more time with their families or friends.

So what does all this say about the importance of WORK?

Work supposedly gives us worth, power (spending power???), purpose and satisfaction in life.

I haven't worked in the 'outside world' for 24 years.
Do I miss it? No way!
I love the freedom of time, the discipline of managing an unscheduled day, the availability to meet others' needs, the joy of boosting my husband's ego as a provider of all my needs!

Perhaps I've done a "disservice" to my kids because I have so glorified my position as a happy homemaker that they want to be a housewife or househusband, too....eventually!

But meantime, while they are in the workforce, I hope to see them balance their work life and their out-of-work life.

While work keeps them from being a bum, their busyness at work should not keep them from developing other interests, activities and friendships.
While work pays them what's due to them, they must not pay with their life as an exchange for it.
While work is important (der!), it is part of life ---- not the-all, be-all, end-all.

Generation of Purity

2007-01-23T21:45:00.000-08:00

Last night, I attended a talk by an American woman who's passionate about raising up kids who will keep themselves pure and virtuous.

Are these old-fashioned words?
Do our young people know what they mean??
Is it what parents want their kids to be even if they themselves were not???

Of course, I agree that parents should be the best ones to tell kids about the birds and the bees....that kids should not be exposed to pornography....that there must be consistency in parenting eg. if you don't want to see your 14 year old daughter wearing a bikini, then you shouldn't let her wear one when she's 4, even if it's an itsy-bitsy cutie little thing!

I thought I was ancient and archaic, until I found myself pondering over the speaker's position that the first kiss between a guy and a gal should be kept for the wedding day.....

Yes, that would be nice from a parent's perspective for purity and protection from a hot-blooded person.
But, is that ideal from a young person's point of view?

Father Favors Females

2007-01-21T18:33:00.000-08:00

I'm just making an observation.....we just had one of our "Family Conferences", and the head of the family set out a new household rule re-late nights out:
You must inform your parents of your where-abouts, 'who-abouts' and 'how-abouts' your getting home.

However...

If you are male and above 24, find your own way home --- no matter what!
If you are male and under 24, call and see if anyone is willing to pick you up from the train station.
If you are female above or under 24, call and dad will come pick you up from anywhere!

Ahhh....talk of all being equal and parents love all children the same and they have no favorites....
But, is it a question of favoritism???

I think not.

I do agree that men tend to be more protective towards the womenfolk BUT..... when the daughter (or son for that matter!) is so like the wife whom he loves, then somehow he makes special effort, special provision, and gives this child special favor!

And likewise, mothers tend to put the son or daughter who is just like the husband whom she loves, in the same favored category.

Go on....check my new theory out!!!

Do Not Reverse!

2007-01-07T00:02:00.000-08:00

I was at a funeral service last week at the crematorium. Everything was in place in the hall....but the pastor who was conducting the service had not arrived!

We waited anxiously (and embarrassingly!) until we could see through the glass opening that the next coffin in line with the grieving family was waiting outside for their turn to occupy the hall.
Someone then announced that the pastor had had an accident on the way to the crematorium. She was alone driving and had put "reverse" instead of "forward" gear when the traffic light turned green. The boot of her car smashed into the car behind her. (Was the other driver too close?) But she was not hurt. And she was making her way in a taxi to the crematorium.

Phew! Was this a case of bad news and good news --- all in the same breath???

As life has many lessons in it, I learnt a couple of things from this incident for this new year:
1. go forward - don't reverse
--- if 2006 was filled with disappointments, regrets, hurts, etc, don't go back to all
that vomit! Move on with determination, renewal, hope!

2. take responsibility - don't blame others
--- we bear the consequences of our own actions, even when others around us
affect our life

3. move in unity - don't be a loner
--- even if we think we are capable and able to do things more efficiently and unhindered by having others around us, we need to appreciate the importance of community spirit and togetherness, for safety and support!

2007 Resolutions!

2006-12-29T04:37:00.000-08:00

2007 Resolution

Ah….the year is quickly coming to a close and everyone’s making a resolution for the new year --- as usual. Of course, it’s even more traditional to break it even before you realize it and realign your life to it!

Nevertheless, I’ll still make a go at it…..

This year, I’ve been battling with relationships:

-How to love, and not be taken advantage of.

-How to speak into people’s lives, not stifle them.

-How to tell the truth, not be a hypocrite (tell half the truth)!

-How to draw boundaries and yet be caring.

-How to forgive and not be defensive, even when I’m right!

“The battle is lost or won in the mind”.

So…..in 2007, I will be a winner!

I will THINK beautiful thoughts of people.

What I think of others will help me change my attitude and my actions towards them. My pure and positive thoughts will affect how I perceive and value them. And when I behave and respond to them in a different way in 2007, they will surely think they’re in heaven!!!

Growing... going with the kids!

2006-12-18T19:17:00.000-08:00

It has been 4 years since the whole family got together for a holiday!

Situations have changed, of course. One major difference --- the kids are in their 20s....and we in our 50s.
Now as we gather as a family, it's no longer Dad doing all the planning (although he's still doing all the paying!). It's no longer Mum packing/unpacking for everyone; it's no longer kids wanting to poo and pee at inconvenient times and place.

We were 5 grown adults, each responsible for his/her own things (too bad if you forgot to pack in enough underwear --- no one else is going to lend you his/hers!) yet all taking care of each other.
The drivers drove with special care because precious lives are in their hands.
The photographers made sure the pictures taken had no toes or legs chopped off.
The cooks prepared meals that filled bellies with burps and mouths with praises.

Where to go, what to do, when to do....we learned to respect one another's passion and preference and go along with it.
It was great!
For me, personally, I saw myself growing with the kids.
Gone are the years doing play dough.... swimming in the baby pool ....making sand castles and sculptures on the beach.....playing make-believe..... reading storybooks with sound-effects.....going on the merry-go-round.....

Now come the days of sitting together watching news on TV, commenting on Sports, World affairs, Investments, .....growing together in the gymn, swimming laps and snorkelling, climbing rocks and carved out mountains, walking in the forest.....appreciating nature, building memories, celebrating people.

At the end of the holiday, I felt like Steve Martin in the movie "Cheaper By the Dozen" and I proposed that we start a family tradition--- once a year, our family (nuclear or expanded like when they are married and leave home) will make time for each other and holiday together.

Let's toast to it!!!

Last 3 words

2006-12-08T22:53:00.000-08:00

I've often thought of graduation ceremonies as one big yawn of an affair.... but last night, when the professor of "stuttering" began to give 3 points for successful living, I sat up!

1. a productive youth
2. supportive relationships
3. a fine education

Ahhh....maybe they're not such new or exciting points.....

Well, when the ceremony's over and the gown's returned, and you wake up each day after that, it's really your choice to make it a wonderful day or a weary day!

I'm not belittling the 4 years of studies and hard work.

You may graduate from a course of study, but you can sleep in peace only when you graduate from the school of life ---- when you know that you have not wasted your time, your talents and your thoughts AND you have not allowed anyone to steal your education (learning), your embraces (loves) and your experiences (living)!

Graduation

2006-12-07T17:47:00.000-08:00

I flew miles and kilometers from home to be with my daughter for her graduation.

Yes....as parents, we always make it a point to be there for our kids --- not only for their kindergarten concert, their primary school sports, their secondary school basketball tournaments, their college speech day, their university graduation ceremony.....but also when their results fall short of the glory that's supposed to be, or when they have growing pains or when they need a hand, a heart, an ear or just some new idea for life!

Yet....as I reflect on this graduation day....it seems a little strange. There are no balloons falling from the sky, no champagne flowing, no wrapped gifts given to celebrate this moment. Only one bouquet of flowers that stands unceremoniously in a coffee cup by the side of the kitchen sink amongst the fruits, veges and dried dishes!

My daughter is not concerned.
I apologise for not being a celebrative family, but she's ok with it.
She sincerely thinks that external things like congratulatory messages, celebrative parties, words of praise and affirmation are nice but...

She does not tag on her worth and value on these externals.
She does not rely on them to assure her and give her confidence.
She knows within herself her answer to: Who am I?
And she does not need others to tell her who she is!

(But if others want to celebrate, she'll be happy to go along too!)

As for me, we will go out for dinner ---- not merely to have a nice family photo for the album, but to celebrate her growth and maturity as a young woman.

She faced life's physical, emotional and spiritual challenges with zest and stoic grace!
Bought a DIY bicycle then upgraded to a 1990 car, played a broken guitar for group activities, experimented with cooking and baking and making jams, got a scuba-diving certificate while supposedly working hard in the hospital, made friends and attracted the friendless!

4 years of independence.......

Will she be able to survive life in her parents' presence after this??? Hmmm.....

Respect

2006-11-22T22:39:00.000-08:00

I've just befriended a toilet-cleaner.
She's in her 60s and does a shining job of cleaning toilets in a University Hostel.

But today, she was in a huff and a puff over the gossip, the backbiting, the envy of other fellow cleaners. She was obviously disturbed emotionally ....and verbally!

Yet as I listened to her side of the story, I realised that all she was asking for was RESPECT.
She may be lacking in education, but not in work ethics.
She may be doing menial work, but she takes pride in what she is doing.
She may be getting on in physical age, but she is doing her best to earn an honest living with her declining strength.

The students at the hostel call her "Aunty" --- that gives her 'status'! Often, they buy her packeted food or snacks to eat, and she is touched because that is love in action.
They appreciate her good works and at the end of the day, she is happy and satisfied.

It takes so little for her to have self-respect.
Is it too much then to ask that others respect her ---- a woman who could easily be your grandmother, your mother, my sister, my aunt???

Facing cancer

2006-11-21T18:45:00.000-08:00

Last night i had dinner with an old friend who has recently been diagnosed with cancer --- 4th stage.

Just the word "cancer" causes a range of questions to run through my mind.
Just the number "4" rings a fear and finallity about it.
Just the fact that a friend has this dreaded condition just seems unbelievable ---- of course i know many people 'out there' (from Hollywood stars to the silent guy in the hospice) suffer from it, but when it happens to people you know, it has a different feel.

I have seen my sister die.....was it the cancer that killed her or was it the chemotherapy that reduced her to a physically unrecognizable state?

When she discovered the ovarian cancer, well-meaning friends advised her to detox, go on a juicing diet, give up on high protein and carbo. Naturally, she lost a lot of weight ---- kilos that could have helped her survive the pounding effects of chemo. She was only able to go through 4 of the recommended 6 sessions. That's sad.

She wanted to live! But her body could not survive.

I don't have the medical theory. I don't have the medical authority.
But I ask myself:
"What will I do if I were diagnosed with cancer and I need to go for chemo?"

I will eat a balanced diet!

I will build my body up!

I will put on weight!

But for now, yes.....I will cleanse my body, get rid of all the toxins, and eat right!!!

Christmas Gifts

2006-11-16T19:58:00.000-08:00

Today's newspaper is filled with advertisements for gifts we can buy for our loved ones (and ourselves) this Christmas --- from dolls to diamonds, food to furnishings, clothes to cameras.....

Yet all I can see is the $$$ sign! Yeah ---- everything costs money!

Would Christmas be sad if the kids don't get a new toy?
Would Christmas be boring if we don't go shopping or clubbing?
Would Christmas be empty if there's no turkey and ham for dinner?

Anyway, I've decided this Christmas my gifts will be different. I want to give......

THE GIFT OF TIME --- I will take a friend to the beach and give her a break from the daily struggles of a single mum

THE GIFT OF TOUCH --- I will go with some friends to a Nursing Home and appreciate the staff and the caregivers with song and cheer

THE GIFT OF THOUGHT --- I will write notes of affirmation and encouragement and gratefulness to people who have come into my life (and some who have moved out of my life)

And then perhaps on Christmas night, I will receive for myself, the gift of the true meaning of Christmas!

Cakes to See and Savour

2006-11-14T07:25:00.000-08:00

I've just made a birthday cake for a friend.

Although I'm generally not a "cake person", I reflected on the significance of having a cake to celebrate life. It seems to me that a cake is not just for eating ---- it represents what that life loves!

So....for my friend who's an ardent Manchester United fan, here's a soccer ball on top!
And for my kids when they were animal lovers.....a butterfly, a caterpillar, a bunny rabbit!

But if you're just interested in eating, here's the "Carrot Cake for Dummies" recipe:-

SIFT 2 tsp salt2 cups plain flour
2 tsp bicarbonate powder
2 tsp cinnamon powder
1/2 tsp salt

ADD 2 cups castor sugar
1 1/2 cups canola oil
4 eggs beaten

MIX WELL.

ADD 3 cups grated carrot
1 cup crushed pineapple (drained)
1/2 cup chopped walnuts
1/2 cup raisins

POUR into greased baking tray.

BAKE at 180 degrees C for 45 mins.

YUMMY MUMMY it's great in my tummy!!!

Gifted and Sifted?

2006-11-09T23:35:00.000-08:00

What I gathered from a mum this week is that the streaming of students at 10 years old into the "Gifted Education Program" (GEP) and "the rest" has been completed!

So....how does "the rest" feel?

Her son is a smart kid. I have no doubt about it and his school exam results show it.
But he did not make it into the GEP.
He was sorely disappointed, showed signs of 'depression' and could not understand why kids who seemed 'less smart' made it into the GEP!

I tried to explain that all of us are gifted ....just that our giftings are in different things.
Some are good at Mathematics, some in music, some in sports, some in curiosity, some in creativity, some in talking, some in teaching, some in making people laugh, some in playing tricks, some in cheating others......( hmm, this is a talent too!)

When a child does not make it into the GEP, it does not mean he is a failure!
Yes --- he failed to get into the program, but all through life, there will be so many things he will not win or get what he wants ---- competitions, scholarships, relationships, jobs, promotions, and on and on.

So, let's face it:
If it's about pride, be humbled --- it's not the end of the world!
If it's about gifting, be different --- look for his natural talent and build on it!
If it's about IQ, be assured --- his EQ (emotional quotient) will see him through life further and better than his IQ!

Making Memories

2006-11-02T01:06:00.000-08:00

Someone just asked me:
"What do you remember of your childhood?"

I know, I know.....it goes really way back in time.....but before I become senile or demented, I thought I'll write about what remains in my mind --- the memorable moments that I remember (even if I've forgotten how to do algebra, how to spell 'hippopotamus', how to sing my school song!).
I remember how my father would come home without warning, pack us all in his taxi (it didn't matter if we were in pyjamas) and take us for a drive.
I remember on every pay day, my mother would buy the "beef rendang" from Rendezvous (the Indonesian restaurant) for dinner. It was such a treat. At other times, she would make candy or cake and charge us for each piece we ate! It was to teach us to treasure what we have.
I remember I used to just lie on the bare grass with my siblings at night in the park, tell each other stories as we counted the number of stars in the sky.

Memories.......
I also want my kids to have wonderful memories of their childhood. I certainly hope they will remember me for more than just my good cooking! I hope they remember me for making their childhood experiences F U N......CREATIVE......and where possible, FREE !!!

HAPPY HOLIDAY!

2006-10-31T20:07:00.000-08:00

Ah....year-end holidays are just around the corner.

I used to think a holiday is not a holiday if I travel out of Singapore but still have to do the cooking, the washing, and rough it out in a hotel that is less comfortable than home!

My thoughts have matured now (with age!!!) .... and I think a holiday is a time to help my kids see and experience a world that they are not used to.

If it's Hong Kong, shopping is fine....but they need to see the lonely street-sleepers,
if it's India, the Taj Mahal is beautiful.....but they need to feed the hungry beggars,
if it's Cambodia, the Angkor Wat is historical....but they need to clothe the children in the countryside,
if it's Disneyland, the rides are exhilarating....but they need to understand that fun ends quickly,

if it's New Zealand, the scenery is breath-taking.... but they need to walk the trails, feel the sand and the snow, smell the fresh wind, camp in the nature parks,

if it's South Africa, the wild animals come straight out of National Geographic.....but they need to see the lions up close, touch the young cheetah, stand on ostrich eggs!

A meal in a fancy restaurant, a ride on the roller coaster, a cruise on a ship ---- all of these can be captured in a photograph, no doubt.
But a toothless smile on a beggar's face, a dirty hand pulling my sleeve for "more?", children running around naked on the dust road ---- these will be pictures captured in the heart.

Just Junk

2006-10-29T23:35:00.000-08:00

As the year comes to an end, I thought it's a good time to do some spring cleaning and get rid of stuff that's been lying around the house ---- unseen, untouched and obviously "un-missed"!

I loaded up into the car boot 6 bagfuls of books, clothes, kitchenware, gadgets, etc. and I drove to the Salvation Army booth to deposit these things.

Oh me, oh my!
The shed that stores all these public contributions was filled to overflowing.
Yes --- we may feel proud of our generosity to this charitable organisation...... but look closer....and see.....toys are broken, clothes look like rags, books are ripped and falling apart, and furniture that's put there can hardly stand on its own!

Is that a mistaken rubbish dump?
Or are we so heartless and unkind to the needy that we give them what they cannot even use?

As I checked my own heart, I remembered this story about Gandhi:

He had boarded a train, but one of his shoes slipped off and fell on the track. As the train was already moving, Gandhi took off his other shoe and threw it back to land close to the other shoe on the track. His friend was puzzled and asked why he did that. And Gandhi said:
"So that the poor man who finds the shoe on the track will have a pair he can use."

Now....that is a true heart of care and charity!

Halloween....hallow eve?

2006-10-27T02:19:00.017-07:00

31 Oct is Halloween Day.

I remember some years ago when my son's class teacher thought it was a fun thing during school time for the kids to tell ghost stories on Halloween. It was a dare for many to show their bravery and courage, even if they were shivering under their skin! I had goose-bumps just imagining what a ghastly session it would be --- and I was certainly glad I was not a student then!

However, what I've gathered since then is that .....
Halloween is supposed to be the eve of All Saints Day.
As far as I know, "saints" and "hallow" are associated with things that are blessed, honored, sacred, revered, holy.

Yet apart from the the carved pumpkin and the door-to-door knocking of Trick or Treat, how has Halloween evolved into a celebration of evil and ghoulish things --- ghosts, witches and vampires?
What's frightening is that evil now looks good, witches are beautiful, magic potions are interesting and the power and influence of the devil have become entertaining!

Now, isn't that scary???

Work your Worth!

2006-10-25T03:35:00.000-07:00

I'm a housewife....homemaker...domestic engineer --- whatever the term, it means I'm worth a whopping $217,000 a month (so i've been told by some survey done recently) !

Of course, I've told my Significant Other ( my pride forbids me to call him the Better Half) that it means I've been grossly underpaid for the past 24 years. He merely smiles. I guess that signifies $0/- !!!

Oh well.....

Today I talked to this woman who has a heapful of financial problems and a fountainful of tears!
I'm no Mother Teresa, but as I heard her story, I had so many question marks.
She is able-bodied, yet has not worked for many years. She has been relying on family, friends (depleting number obviously!) and compassionate folks around to support her.

Why?

Is it laziness?
Or is it a lack of insight into the benefits of work?

While I suspected she was waiting for me to give her some money at the end of our conversation, I decided that I would give her what she needs, not what she wants!

I'm out looking for a job for her!!!

She needs to WORK --- the discipline of it will strengthen her physical, psychological and financial state.
She needs to see her WORTH when she works --- the $ earned will improve her self-confidence, her self image.
She needs to be in touch with the WORLD out there --- the community at work will enhance her social life.

So.....$0/- from me to her, but I want to give her help that is helpful!

Blog, bling, just do a new thing!

2006-10-23T02:53:00.000-07:00

Heard this 70-year-old guy say that every year he makes it a point to learn something new. This year, he learnt to swim!

Isn't that inspiring?

So as 2006 is quickly coming to an end, I thought I'd better make up for lost time.....Last month I started to BLOG (yay!!!) and this month I've just had a lesson to make BLING !

I can't imagine myself making a living of it....but it's great to let creativity come alive in various colors and forms and textures.
Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder ......
creativity is in the heart of the maker!

Do good or do right ???

2006-10-22T00:59:00.000-07:00

I was chatting with a friend --- a single mum handling a mentally unsound husband, and 3 kids who were into glue-sniffing, school-skipping, underaged sex and wrong company. They have had their share of counselling, court appearances and rehabilitation programs.

How have they turned out?

Two out of three are walking the straight and narrow. That's great!

But what struck me is that the youngest has hardened his heart towards the law.
He has joined a more 'mature' gang that accepts him, admires his guts and gives him the 'honor' and responsibility beyond his age.
Moreover, while his mum has always been worried about his aimless life, he has assured her that if anything happens to him, she will receive a big lump sum of money. (Believe me.....no mother in her right mind would or should ever trade a child for cash!)

His goal in life now is to get a lot of money so that his family will have a more comfortable life --- his mum will not have to struggle physically and financially. His siblings will not be looking scrawny and undernourished. And his absent father will not look down on him as a failure and a good-for-nothing fella.

Surely what he's thinking is good?....In fact what he's doing certainly seems selfless and sacrificial.
But is he doing the right thing???

How often we all do the good thing (eg. help the kid with his project or assignment, wake him up for school, bail him out when he's running late, excuse him when he forgets to do his chores, buy whatever toy/game the kid wants --- not needs) ?

Can we see the consequences of doing the good thing?

When we do something nice because we think it's kind and helpful to someone, when in fact, we are making the person relinquish his own responsibility THEN we are carrying his monkey!
When things don't turn out right, who gets the blame? We do! But why should we?

The kid is responsible for his own project, he is responsible for getting to school on time, he has to save enough money from his own allowance to buy the toy/game he wants ---- parents buy what he needs.

I know we all have good hearts, good intentions. But let's do the right thing ----let's give the monkey back to the right owner!!!

Pregnancy unplanned

2006-10-19T22:31:00.000-07:00

Recently, I received a midnite call---- unearthly hour phone calls never ring good news!
This mum told me her teenage daughter was pregnant.

The screams and streams of angry words and loud curses have subsided.
They are faced now with the reality:
Should she opt for abortion....stop schooling....give the baby up for adoption....marry the boy.....get a job.....get the 'soon-to-be grandmother' to quit her job and look after the baby,
find means of paying bills.......oh, so many things to think about.

One moment of passionate lust....a million scenarios being painted before their eyes!

As the familiar saying goes:
"What is done cannot be undone. Don't cry over spilled milk."

It's useless to scold and nag or punish and impose a curfew on this girl now.

I tried to understand the fears and tears of this mum and her daughter. And I felt the most
important thing for the mum to do is to assure her daughter that she will be supportive and stay by her no matter what!

To abort would go against their religious beliefs.
To marry the boy (who is still a youth) would be adding more pressure and problems.
To carry on with the pregnancy and bear the consequences as a single mother seem to be the preferred choice.

That certainly looks like a responsible attitude and action....until I discovered that the young couple have no qualms about continuing their liberal sex activities since she is already pregnant!

Ugh!

Outsourcing Motherhood

2006-10-19T01:47:00.000-07:00

My friend has finally decided to take her 2-year-old son back with her to China (where her husband has a job posting). For the past two years, she had left her son with the grandparents in Singapore while she had been flying to and fro, dividing her time between husband and son.

Yes, it is a tough decision to make.

It is difficult to choose between emotion and logic --- between feelings of inadequacy as a first-time mum and a supportive family, between social pressure to stay together and climatic inconveniences, between the unknown and the surety.

It took my friend 2 years to recognise that...
grandparents or domestic helpers can babysit, but mothers need to bond;
they can teach, but mothers need to discipline (ie enforce the training);
they can love and care, but only mothers are able to sacrifice selflessly and go beyond duty!

Children did not choose to be born.
But mothers.....you make the choice --- make MOTHERHOOD your high calling! And do it well!!!

DEATH, what is your thing?

2006-10-18T08:03:00.000-07:00

This week alone, I know 3 persons who have passed on into the after-life, 2 personal friends who were told their cancer had spread to other organs, and 1 new friend who attempted to end her life!

Yes ---- when I was in primary school, I thought I would never live up to 50 years old. But now that I'm in my 50s, hey --- it seems like I have so many reasons to live......and no reason to die!

I know I'm not afraid of death. But I know that my fear lies in HOW am I going to die?

If it's a quickie --- ah! what a relief!
If it's a long-drawn affair and I need constant medical attention --- oh dear, better check my insurance!
If I have to suffer in anguish and pain --- oh no! Will I be able to be stoic and heroic on my death-bed?

Perhaps it's the uncertainty of the exact hour of departure and the fact that I have to go through this end of life's journey alone (I can't take anyone with me!Sigh!) that makes the "HOW am I going to die?" a mystery or a magical moment!

Embarrassing but who cares???

2006-10-15T23:20:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was in a hurry....as usual (that's why they call us Rushians?!) to go to the Expo. I got there and was picking a piece of paper that had dropped onto the floor, when my eyes saw.....my right foot had on a blue sandal and my left foot was wearing a brown sandal, with a totally different design!

How embarrassing!

I was going to laugh aloud --- ah....but that would have added to the embarrassing moment!
So I made a quick decision to just keep quiet and walk on as if nothing was amiss in a crowd of hundreds!

Of course several thoughts went through my mind --- I could go buy a new pair of sandals...I could get my husband to go home and get me my 'other half'.... If anyone were to laugh at me, I was prepared to say it was fashionable to wear different color footwear....Or I could just say that I was doing a survey to see if people actually notice what people wear!

I went through my day from Expo to Changi Airport Arrival Hall (to meet a family), then to a Food Court for lunch, went to Ghim Moh (a housing estate), walked to a supermarket to buy groceries, and walked through a carpark....NOT A SINGLE SOUL commented, came to me, or even giggled at me all day.

My conclusion:
We think people notice us --- they don't.
We think people care what we wear --- they don't.
We think we have an embarrassing experience --- people are not even conscious of our existence!

So let's not be so self-centered, but be others-centered.
Then I'm sure when we notice them, when we care about them, when we are conscious of their needs and their experiences, they will then see us!

Cyber.....well......

2006-10-15T21:52:00.000-07:00

Just attended this Cyber Wellness talk over the weekend organised by Touch Community Services. It was a pretty good 'awareness' talk and I could see the faces of many concerned ( shall I say weary and worn-out?) parents whose kids are very much into cyber games.

The question churning in my mind was:

"After this talk, what would be the first thing they were going to say to their son/daughter whom they had already identified as an Internet addict?"

After all these months of struggling, scolding, nagging, taking away privileges, pocket money, .....did their "cybergame addict" get off the computer and get better grades at school?

NO!

This war at home did not happen overnight. So don't expect a quick fix either!
I would go for the CURE:

Craft out alternative activities eg. basketball, cycling, rock-climbing.
Understand the positive values of gaming eg. focus, challenge, concentration, coordination, teamwork.
Restore the parent-child relationship eg. give time, attention/affection/affirmation.
Empathize with the child's need eg. self-worth, acceptance, achievement, purpose, power.

Armed for the Army

2006-10-11T22:16:00.000-07:00

My youngest son has just ORD ---- completed his 2-year stint in National Service!

Like most parents, when their son goes into the army, there are fears and anxieties, concerns for his safety and sanity...

But after all that rigorous training and regimented life, I am relieved that my son has learned to do some things that I have tried to teach him (for18 years) to do with little success --- eg. make his bed neatly, line his footwear properly, keep his cupboard tidy. Ah...a mother's dream!

However, more than that, the army has taught him:

1. to submit to authority --- obey with no questions asked and no reason given!
(What a joy if this continues at home!)

2. to serve by example --- work as a team always!
(Who cares if you can run 2.4 km in 9 mins if you are so full of
yourSELF?)

3. to show appreciation ---- there's no place like home!

Examining Exams!

2006-10-10T20:50:00.000-07:00

Ah....PSLE is over! What a relief to many parents ---- mostly mums, of course, who have taken leave during the exam.

I have never really understood why?!

I mean, is it so they can boil health ( or "help to get high marks") soup for the kid?
Or is it to make sure he gets to school on time --- at least during the exam week?
Or is it out of guilt that they have not spent much time with the kid during the earlier part of the year --- except for nagging him to study --- and this is their last-minute attempt to show care and concern?

We often question the kid's attitude towards exam (care-less, irresponsible, unmotivated, etc).
But what is the parent's attitude towards exam?

My son used to say on the first day of exam ( be it PSLE, O-Level, A-Level,) :
"Hey! I have been waiting for this moment, man! The teachers have been talking about this exam all year. Finally, it is here."

I used to say to my kids:
" I hope you will have enough success in school so you will be confident and challenged to study with a sense of self -motivation and responsibility.
And I hope you will have enough failures to keep you humble and yet going always for the gold ahead. The best is yet to be!"

New Definition

2006-10-09T07:17:00.000-07:00

React or Respond?

In the Oxford and Collins Dictionary I realise these two words have a similar meaning.....ah, but I would like to be different! So here it is:

To React is to have tunnel vision.
You see the tree and not the forest!
You make a choice based on the consequences which you can see will benefit you almost immediately.
Your decision is calculated on the fact that when you remove the person or thing which causes you pain, inconvenience and sacrifice, your life becomes easier --- for now.

Eg. my friend's son did not like the new scout leader. Guess what she told him to do?
Quit the group!
This mum worked out that if he doesn't have this activity, she will no longer hear his
complaints, she need not rush from work every week to get him to the group on time, and
he will have more time for his schoolwork.

To Respond is to see the big picture.
You see the forest and you don't zoom in on one tree.
You don't make a rash decision based on your emotions --- you reflect on the situation, you look at the long-term effects.
Even if things are uncomfortable and inconvenient at the moment, you persevere or position yourself such that your choice will make a positive impact on your life --- in the long run.

So...I would say ... to react is a sign of immaturity;
to respond is a sign of maturity!

To react is like a woman who spends more time and money planning for the romantic wedding than the real life-long marriage.

To respond is like a woman who would love to get married but is willing to wait until the suitable one comes along!

Inspiring Mothers with Hope

2006-10-07T08:11:00.000-07:00

Did you know it's World Mental Health Day on 8th Oct?

All over the world, there is a call to create awareness and stamp out the stigma of mental illness. But what does it mean for me, personally?

Almost a year ago, I sat in the ACCIDENT & EMERGENCY department of IMH (Institute of Mental Health) with a friend.
It was not a case of violence, but her family was not able to cope with her mental state. They could not handle her irrational behaviour. And they were at a loss as to how to persuade her to go to the hospital "for a rest".

Her mum desperately needed help.
She was embarrassed to have to ask an outsider to get her daughter to hospital.

There at the A&E, I saw a young mother who was being admitted, too. She was singing the National Anthem with great gusto, while her worn-out husband was tending to their young son.

Suddenly, memories of an old aunt who had a history of schizophrenia came to my mind.
She was a single mum who had to bring up two kids. How it must have been traumatic for her and the children to have her going in and out of Woodbridge Hospital (now IMH) for years until she was declared 'burnt-out'!

As my thoughts churned, something stirred within me.

IMH ......Inspiring Mothers with Hope !!!

Mothers who have mental illness need to build their lives again with strength and support, courage and confidence, worth and wholeness.

So do mothers with kids who suffer from mental illness.
They need to have breakthroughs in their own lives so they can manage their kids and move on from their guilt and shame, despair and discouragement, lostness and aloneness.

There is a walkathon along Orchard Road on 8th Oct 2006 in conjunction with World Mental Health Day.....
but who will walk along life's road with these mothers every day ???

Valuable Values

2006-10-05T02:07:00.000-07:00

After reading my son's great description of his mom, I thought I'd better live up to it and blog more regularly!

So here's today's reflection:

Why do parents expect their kid to have admirable values
when their own life often does not exemplify the values
they hope the kid will develop? ? ?

Parents teach........
respect (for people and things)
but they yell at the maid and read their kid's diary secretly,

courtesy
but they jump queue and scramble in the crowd at a SALE,

honesty
but they tell you to say they're not at home when their friend
calls on the phone,

compassion
but they ignore the guy with special needs selling packets of
tissue at the food center,

sense of responsibility
but they are busy at work and never home when you need a
shoulder to cry on,

self-discipline
but they eat half a tub of ice-cream while watching the Korean
serial,

obedience
but they go through the red traffic light and cross the road when
it's the 'red man',

gratefulness
but they grumble and complain about work, people and food!

So, if you're a parent,
walk your talk.....

YOUR KID IS WATCHING AND TAILING YOU !

Say sorry!

2006-10-03T19:18:00.000-07:00

OOoops! Just discovered today---- 24 years late---- that my parenting style was wrong!!!

As I was preparing to share some thoughts at a Mother Support Group about "Discipline", I read this article by Ian Grant that said:

"You can't make a child sorry -- You can train them to take responsibility
for hurting someone else".

Hmm... I was looking back at the early years of bringing up my kids.

Whenever they had hurt each other physically or with their 'punch' words that made the other sibling cry, I would make them hug each other, look each other in the eye, and say sorry to each other.
I thought I was being fair --- it didn't matter which party was wrong ---- both had to say sorry!

But this article highlighted the fact that "sorry" is an emotion. We can't force an emotion, a feeling on others. Emotions cannot be commanded into being!
So....when I told my kids to "Say sorry!", I was actually teaching them to lie if they were not actually sorry!!!

Ahh....I guess I'll do better when I have grandchildren!

SURFING

2006-09-26T21:56:00.000-07:00

SURFING

I was just watching this huge wave and a surfer riding above the wave on TV …..and then another bigger wave came by and the surfer was overcome by it…..but hey! When the wave passed over, the surfer still had his feet firmly on the board!!! Wow ---terrific ability to keep his stability and steadfastness when all else seemed to overwhelm him!

And I thought of my friend’s teenage daughter.

This morning, she was found motionless, lifeless. She had been partying and got so intoxicated that she became oblivious to the world around her.
Was it someone’s cruel joke on her life? Was it an escape from her fears and failures, guilt and shame?? Was it to gain attention ---- her cry for help???

The waves of broken relationships, poor academic performance….the need for love and acceptance found in friends who are bound by free sex and booze, cigarettes and drugs….the endless surf of helplessness and hopelessness that should taper off with parental provision, professional counseling and advice and medical help ---- yet, not?

What would give her the strength to survive every wave in life?
What would enable her to stand firmly and not scream silently when situations overwhelm her?
What would cause her to ride above the circumstances and not be found under the circumstances?

CLING ON to the “board” --- something consistent --- parents who are there through thick and thin. They may nag and scold, but they are parents you can trust for life.

CLING ON to the “beach” --- somewhere ahead --- taste of honey when medicine seems bitter, thoughts of hope when time will heal.

CLING ON to the day of [your] birth --- there is a purpose for life, a destiny to fulfill!

W...a...i...t...i...n...g....

2006-09-19T19:58:00.000-07:00

WHAT'S WRONG WITH WAITING ? ? ?

Do you realise: People just can't wait?

In traffic jams, drivers are impatient and change lanes hoping to outsmart the other vehicles (except motorcyclists!).

In supermarket queues, customers are irritated when the cashier encounters a hiccup. And somehow, we all suffer from the "Born Loser" syndrome --- we always seem to be in the slowest moving line!

When friends are late for a date, we start to be anxious. Yet when they appear, we get angry instead of feeling relieved they are well and alive!

How come?

I think we need to learn THE WISDOM OF WAITING.

Waiting is a time of silence and space.
We have made it a time of stress!

Waiting is a time to renew our strength and our sanity.
We have made it a time for rage and anger, intolerance and impatience.

Waiting is a time to persevere and perceive people and situations in a different light.
We have made it a time for destructive and negative thoughts --- we give up and quit!

So....let's learn to wait....WHY NOT ? ? ?

Train Up a Child...

2006-09-17T19:43:00.000-07:00

TRAIN UP A CHILD IN THE WAY SHE SHOULD GO,
AND WHEN SHE IS OLD SHE WILL TRAIN HERSELF!

Last night I was talking to my daughter who's studying in Australia. Hey...I was all excited about my newly acquired interest in blogging and MSN.

But hey...she does not blog and she has banned herself from MSN for a month!

What a surprise!!! After all, she's the IT- savvy computer generation.

But really, I was pleased that she recognised her situation:

* she was DISTRACTED from work
--- her assignments, projects, etc were piling up!

* she was DEPRIVED of sleep
--- her hours chatting on-line did not help her body and brains!

...and she took responsibility for it. She DISCIPLINED HERSELF !

I slept with a smile on my face, because she chose to do right even when mum's not looking! Yay!

Caring for the Caregiver

2006-09-16T02:07:00.000-07:00

Today, I went to visit a friend.
He had been in hospital for 3 years because of a serious head injury. So although it was his 69th birthday, he was not able to eat his birthday cake, give his birthday speech or dress his birthday best.

Did it matter?

He has a caregiver who stays by his side all day.
She makes conversation --- not expecting any response.
She cries alone over their unpaid bills and mounting debts.
Even friends and relatives visiting the sick have diminished over time.

Who cares for the caregiver?
Who hears about her fears and frustrations?
Who understands her needs?

While I looked at my friend, lying helpless and still --- there's hardly a hope that he will walk one day.
Then I looked at his caregiver, lonely and scared --- and I hope I will be faithful to walk with her through this journey and care for her in my own way!

2006-09-14T19:26:00.000-07:00

This is Me

Hi! I’m Captnj’s mum ---- I know that sounds ooooooold ---- but he challenged me to come out of my “horse and carriage” days and enter this exciting world of happenings and computer.

I’m so used to the one-on-one conversation. Some years back, I volunteered with SOS (Samaritans of Singapore) because I thought people loved the individual attention we gave them. Now it seems like mass attention is what people want.

The time certainly has come for me to think different, act different and be different!

Last week, I heard someone say that if we want to see new things happen, we must do new things.

So I’m ready to BLOG now!

Never heard of it before --- Used to think it was a

Brain

Letting

Out

Garbage

on the internet for the world to know.

But I beg to differ! I want to use it to

Build

Lasting

Opinions

Graciously

So….look out world! Here I come!